Breaking Bad News to a Friend

It’s hard to break bad news, and harder still to break it to a friend.  The hardest thing is when the news is only news to her-everyone else can see the obvious.

I have a friend who is going through a hard time in the romance department.  First she happily announced on Facebook that she and her new guy “have not been dating long, but are very committed”, then posted pictures and updates recounting their various activities, such as attending a family (his) get-together.  Not long after, she very unhappily announced, also on Facebook, that he told her that he “needs his space”.  What’s more, he doesn’t want her to contact him-he will contact her “when he’s ready”.   In her mind, their situation is merely on hold, and will resume if she is patient.  Oh, dear.  

Maybe it’s so clear to me because I have been in her position more than once.  I have hoped against hope that the guy I wanted to be with wanted to be with me, and didn’t want to see that he didn’t.  Of course, I don’t know my friend’s guy, and I don’t know their specific situation.  There is, in fact, a slight chance that he might be the one in a hundred (thousand…million?) who really does temporarily just “need his space” to work a few things out, and they really might end up living happily ever after if she can just be patient.  Who am I to say with absolute certainty that that isn’t the case?   In truth, I really cannot.

Being a friend, however, I just can’t bring myself to say what many others are saying and what I know she wants to hear, that he will come around when he’s had a chance to work out whatever he needs to work out.  A few of her friends focus on how great she is, that however things turn out, she will be fine and will end up with someone who understands how amazing she really is.   That is probably the best approach.  It’s also the truth;  she is an amazing person, and deserves someone who recognizes that fact and adequately appreciates her brand of amazing-ness.

Here is what I want to say:  for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to be with you.  Probably it’s not anything you did;  whatever is going on, it almost certainly has more to do with him than you.  Maybe someone else has come into the picture and he wants to be with her.   Maybe he was using you and it’s time to move on.  Maybe he thinks that you are moving too fast and it scared him off.  Whatever.  He doesn’t want to be with you, and not boding well for his character, he doesn’t have the guts to tell you.  Maybe he isn’t closing the door entirely because he’s hedging his bets in case something (someone?) else doesn’t work out.  In any case, the worst thing that you can do is “be patient” and wait for him “to come around”. 

I don’t say it, because I know that I would not have wanted to hear it myself when I was going through the same thing.   Heartbreak is unquestionably one of the crappiest experiences in the world.  So what do I tell her?  I’ll let you know when I think of something.